Harley Street TV Psychologist and director of the Private Therapy Clinic, Dr Becky Spelman is one of the UK’s top dating and relationship experts. We are delighted that she is sharing her top tips for dating in 2019.

Dr Becky Spelman says: “The rise of online dating services has allowed everyone the opportunity to try to find love, quickly and easily: we’re able to meet potential partners without a real need to go out and make the first move. If you don’t have the courage to ask that special someone for their name, you can engage them through an app, from the comfort of your safe space at home.

“Swiping left or right has become synonymous with attraction and disinterest. Young or old, gay or straight, here are some dating tips and tricks to ensure you both get off on the right foot. From making a first move, taking things to the next level, getting adventurous in the bedroom, and having a difficult conversation, relationships take work, but these hacks can help empower you.

1. Swiping Left or Right

Make it a rule to view their profile in full and to truly consider if they might be worth your time. Face value is important, but it is only through rationalised decisions that you are able to ensure that you’re not swiping too hastily. It may be helpful to choose a dating site that has less volume and more quality in line with what you are looking for. For instance, if it’s important to you that someone lives close by use a radius app and if it’s important that someone’s working life is interesting to yours or in line with what you do then choose an app where someone’s career is shown. 

Look at their interests, and, if you need to, write something down about them to help you remember why you’re going to meet up with them and use that reminder to ensure you don’t cancel when you’ve set a date to meet.

2. The First Date

There are well-known rules for the first date, like not eating messy food, and not going to the movies, where you’re unable to chat to one another. Going for coffee, or an after-work drink keeps the date short, so that if it doesn’t go as you’d hoped, you don’t need to prolong the experience unnecessarily. Sending a text message afterwards to let them know if it’s not going to work is not only polite, but it lets you both know where you stand. Or, without overthinking the time period, let them know you had a good time and are interested in doing it again. Honesty is also a character building skill to practice, as integrity is a trait that most people will find attractive. 

3. Filling the Silence

On the first date, embrace any awkward moments as an ice-breaker. By not feeling pressurised to fill the silent gaps in conversation, you are able to potentially break awkward moments by acknowledging them through laughter, and to then allow conversation to develop organically.

4. Ghosting

This one may not be avoidable. In your texts, you may end off with a question, or make a compliment that invites that person to reply, but if you are ghosted, even after hitting it off really well, it’s important to remember that it was not meant to be, and that the one worth seeing again is someone who will not ghost you. However, be the bigger person and only ghost those who are disrespectful or unpleasant towards you. 

5. Second Date Rule

If the date went well, and there’s potential, consider holding off on sex until the second date. Ask yourself how serious you are about this new relationship, and if there’s any degree of a real connection, postponing sexual activity to the second date allows you to build up to that exciting moment, but it also allows you to invest in each other in such a way that even if the first sexual encounter doesn’t go as planned, you’ve invested enough to continue seeing if the connection is worth it. However this doesn’t have to be a golden rule if something feels right in the moment and you know you won’t feel a sense of rejection if the other person doesn’t want to continue things then you don’t need to stick to any solid rules, some relationships do form even when sex occurs on the first date.

What’s important is to go with what feels right for you and anticipate what you will feel after. For instance if you know you tend to develop strong feels for people you have sex with (aka sex crush) you should probably hold off on having sex for a while until you know whether things are going to go somewhere with this new person. 

6. Meeting the Family

When the time comes to meet the family, it’s simple – you can never go wrong with a small gift, like flowers or something special to eat. Asking about their interests beforehand will help you make the right choice. It need not be expensive, but you will not get another opportunity to buy a great first impression.

7. Conflict Resolution

Having a difficult conversation is never easy. It is likely to cause conflict, which may lead to strain or to a breakup, but honesty, trust, and respect are best for both you and your partner. Begin a difficult conversation by soldiering through the nerves and leading with compliments. Phrase your concern in a way that does not attack them for something they’ve done or said, but rather, opens up the dialogue to talk about what’s on your mind. Reserving judgment and hasty emotional responses will ensure you address any issues in a calm and thoughtful manner, making you more likely to reach a resolution together. Remember to sandwich any negative comments: tell them what you love about then, give them the necessary feedback, then add something else that is nice which you genuinely believe.

8. Keeping the Spark Alive

The honeymoon phase needs no explanation. It’s beautiful, but it doesn’t always last forever, and as people naturally get used to each other, they become complacent in routine. Communicating needs and desires is a great way to bring new energy into a relationship, igniting a new honeymoon phase of chemistry and sexual attraction.

9. Communication

Understanding your communication styles, as well as your partner’s needs, will ensure there are no mixed signals, in the bedroom, or after a long day at work. Communicating sexual boundaries, and setting them, allows you to explore without fear.

10. Breaking Up 

Acknowledging the signs of an unhealthy relationship can be a very hard thing to do, as it forces couples to face the challenges they may have been denying. Introspection can help both parties acknowledge where they might be faltering, and if there is room or time for change. It’s always important to take the necessary steps to ensure one’s own happiness, and when you know where the issue stands, begin the conversation, as hard as it may be.

Millions of people are using online dating apps for love, sex, friendship and networking, and long gone are the days of online dating being reserved solely for the socially awkward. The dating rules have changed too, yet even in the current age of feminism and gender equality, manners and common courtesy continue to go a long way. Respect and thoughtfulness will always create a connection, even if the date doesn’t go according to plan. In the early stages it’s very good to trust your gut instinct if you are trying to figure out if your relationship is toxic or not. 

For more relationship advice and tips from Dr Becky Spellman click here: https://theprivatetherapyclinic.co.uk/dr-becky-spelman/